I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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