Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
