On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
how does that bad decision feel?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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