I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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