After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
