Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
