someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
