1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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