Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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