last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
