Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
