Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
