the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
