Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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