he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize