so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize