He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
