three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
