This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
