I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize