just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize