I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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