I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
