I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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