insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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