So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
