for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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