Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
