I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize