life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
