got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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