I looked at my own cervix.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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