Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
