im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
