Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
