Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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