I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Randomize
