Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
