Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
