Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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