someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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