I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
