Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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