Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
