and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
