Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone signed my nipple.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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