my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
