I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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