Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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