oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
