So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
