So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
