Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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