in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
