worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
