I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
