dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
