I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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